Porcelain
by Comicbookfan
Summary: Kurt Hummel has a problem, but he can totally deal with it, even if nobody else seems to think so.
1. Sick

**Porcelain**

Summary: Kurt has a problem, and Finn and Rachel figure it out. And they become determined to help him, even though he can totally handle it.

* * *

Prompt fill for the glee_angst_meme: Kurt!eating disorder

so I've totally had this in my head for awhile.

Finn walks into the bathroom and hears Kurt throwing up, but Kurt just tells him he's sick. After a few times of it happening, Finn mentions to someone how sick Kurt has been lately, and they make the connection.

* * *

Finn's tired. He hasn't slept very well in weeks, and it's probably stress. But anyway, he doesn't really feel like being in school--especially not in Math--so he decides to ditch for the last ten minutes of the period.

When he gets there, he hears something weird.

Somebody, he eventually realizes, is puking his guts out.

Eventually, whoever it is finishes, with some coughs, and flushes the toilet and steps out into the dimly-lit bathroom.

Finn does a double-take when he sees it's Kurt, who freezes as he wipes dust from his knees.

"Oh, Finn," The boy gives him a strained smile, "Hello."

"Hey, Kurt. Are you okay?" Finn asks this with concern in his voice, because he kind of really likes Kurt, and Kurt seems to have gotten over his googliness around him. (Finn still doesn't know what that was about.)

"Of course I am. I was just feeling a little sick." He looks kind of sick, with dark circles under his eyes and having lost some weight.

For a second Finn wants to tell him to go to the Nurse, to go home, but then Kurt shoots him a self-assured smile, and there is so much confidence in his stance and emptiness in his eyes, he ends up not saying anything, because no matter what, Kurt manages to convince everybody he is okay.

* * *

It's next week when it happens again. It's Kurt's first time back at Lunch after a week of not being in the cafeteria at all (which causes some worry among the girls that he manages to effectively dispel by telling them that he was just studying for some tests he's totally stressed about).

He leaves after he eats--and he eats plenty, a full, healthy meal--without speaking much to his friends, not even Mercedes.

He leaves early, and a bit later, Finn follows, because his hands are covered with spilt slushie (badly aimed drinks--no wonder their baseball team sucks) and they feel dirty.

He hears somebody throwing up. Again. It's the same kind as last time, violent retching and coughing, and stopping then starting again.

Somebody knocks on the door of the stall, and Finn, curious about what that is about, doesn't answer.

Carefully, Kurt steps out again. He freezes, eyes huge, bigger and more sunken in than Finn remembers.

(Under the dim lighting of the bathroom, he suddenly looks skinnier than he was just a week ago. He's been losing weight all year, Finn now notices, but he always was guessing that it was some weird diet or something. People do that kind of stuff sometimes, right?)

Suddenly, he smiles a tentative half-smile, and goes to wash his hands, which he hides carefully until he shoves them under the flowing water.

"Dude, are you okay?" he asks. "I mean...you don't look so good."

Kurt winces at the words. "I'm fine, thank you." He lifts his head in a reassuring and over-confident way, but doesn't smile. "I'm a little sick, in fact. Maybe I'll go to the Nurse."

"Yeah, man, you do that." Finn claps a hand onto Kurt's shoulder and squeezes.

He totally forgets that McKinley no longer has a Nurse.

* * *

Over the next two weeks, Kurt skips Lunch consistently, and when he doesn't, he eats a meal of a salad.

He's not quite underweight, but is teetering on an almost invisible line constantly.

And Finn...Finn doesn't know why, but he spots Kurt in the mornings or after Lunch or even after football, once, when he goes back into the locker room thinking everybody's left, throwing up violently. It kind of reminds him of Quinn's morning sickness, but it isn't the same, 'cause Kurt's a dude and all, and there's just something weird about it.

He's probably just kind of sick, but Finn can't help worrying a little, because he cares a lot about, like, every single person in glee club (kind of even Puck and Quinn, who he's still pretty mad at because, you know, they lied).

He tries to shove his worries about Kurt to the back of his mind, because the kid's always been a really confident person who seems like he can take of himself, ever since the first day Finn ever met him. So he just kind of leaves all of the worrying in the very back of his head.

But one day, after hearing Kurt puke yet again (geez, he should really get whatever that is checked out, it's probably, like, agrravated stomach flu or whatever), and being totally out of it during rehearsal, Rachel asks him, with those oddly concerned deer eyes, after everybody else has left, even Mr. Schue, if he's okay.

He nods. "Yeah, I'm dealing pretty good." _Pretty well, _a nagging voice that sounds weirdly like Rachel whispers in his ear, but it's too late to change what he's said anyway, because it's always too late to change what you say, he knows.

"Are you completely certain of this, because I quite understand if you are not entirely in your best spirits, considering how things have been lately."

"Well..." he pauses, and suddenly realizes what's been bothering him. "It's kind of...Kurt." He stops again. "It's not like I have a crush on him or something, but I'm kinda worried about him, he hasn't been so good the last few weeks."

Rachel's eyes are suddenly shrewdly concerned, because she's had a thought or two about that lately as well. There's been something off about the only countertenor in the club, lately. "What is it?"

"I dunno, but I think he's sick, 'cause, y'know, he's always throwing up."

"He's vomiting?"

"Yeah, a lot. I sometimes walk in on him, in that old bathroom I thought nobody went into. It's kind of like he's hiding it or something, 'cause I go to that bathroom to hide from stuff too. But whenever I ask if he's okay, he just says he's sick, and he looks so confident and stuff that I figure he is gonna be okay."

He looks up from his rambled speech, into Rachel's face, which looks a little stricken and curious. She runs a hand down her soft hair.

"You don't think it's aggravated stomach flu, do you?" Finn asks anxiously.

Rachel looks at him strangely before getting back to her silent pondering, as though trying to figure out what she's going to say. She sighs, before speaking gently, "Well, this was certainly quite an excellent, albeit disturbing, observation on your part. And I am rather glad that you told me this, because," and she must have been taking lessons from Ms. Pillbury, because she's really good at the caring-voice, "I believe Kurt has a problem."

"What kind of problem? Is he really sick?"

"Yes. I think he's really sick."

"But with what? He's been, like, getting skinnier whenever I see him, and he keeps skipping Lunch. It that, like, a special sickness?" Suddenly, he's afraid he might have said something wrong, because Rachel looks kind of really sad.

"Um..." she takes in a hissing breath, as if in pain. "How much attention did you pay in Health class this year? I am quite aware you are not as exemplary a student as I, and would like a rough estimate."

"Uh..." Finn looks guilty. "Not that much, I guess. Why? Is what Kurt has something we talked about?"

"Yes. Do you remember the unit on eating disorders?"

"Uh...that's when people make themselves get skinny, right?"

"Yes. I believe this is the condition you're seeing in Kurt."

"Wait...I...huh?"

"Look, Finn, it might be rather difficult for you to understand at the moment, but you may later when we get the chance to speak to Kurt."

"Talk?"

"Yes, I think we should confront him quite soon, so as to try to get him some help before he really hurts himself."

Finn, having always been a little slow on the uptake, just asks one more time, "So...he's sick?"

"Quite sick."

* * *

Rachel tells Kurt to stay a little later than usual after practice.

The boy raises an eyebrow. "Yes?" His eyes land on Finn. "What's happening? Diva, if this is because I missed a couple of notes today, can it, because I'm not in the mood."

"I think you'd better sit down."

The boy's features morph into cold. "I have a test to study for, and homework to do. Why did you keep me? Is this some sort of interrogation?" He asks smoothly.

"It's come to Finn's attention that lately you've been vomiting unnaturally often."

Kurt stiffens. "I've been a bit sick lately, and dad's been too busy to take me to the Doctor's, so I'm waiting it out."

"We have also noted that you've recently lost weight."

His pink mouth forms a thin line. "So? What is that to you, do you often take notice of the other glee clubbers' weight? That seems something more fit for Ms. Sylvester, Rachel, it's hardly appropriate for our captain to note my weight, no matter how unsatisfactory it may be."

"We're merely quite worried about you."

Kurt begins to get up from his uncomfortable seat, and throws a dirty look at both of the other teens in the room. "There's nothing to worry about. I know you have some kind of convoluted idea that I have a problem, but be assured that there is no problem, and there will never be."

* * *

Finn looks out the door, as Kurt leaves with his usual crisp strut.

Rachel sighs. "I believe we have a large issue on our hands."

"Uh huh."


	2. Control

**Porcelain**

_Chapter Two: Group_

WARNINGS: eating disorder, slight mention of physical harm, language, and a red herring important plot point (a.k.a a point that seems important but isn't)

_

* * *

_It's fairly late into rehearsal when Mr. Schuester announces that he has an excellent project for them.

Rachel brightens slightly, leaning forward in her chair in interest while still maintaining her perfect posture. Her face falls when he announces that the "hip new project" is: working in small groups. How original. She wonders critically exactly how he thinks working in groups of three instead of pairs is really much of a dramatic change of pace.

She's about to raise her hand to tell him this before a plan begins to brew in her mind. Perhaps she can use Mr. Schuester's new project to work on one of her new projects.

Soon enough, she thrusts her arm into the air for an entirely different reason.

Mr. Schue looks wary as he picks her, an expression that goes completely over her head as, beaming, she stands. "Well, I believe that, as captain of this club, I have a right to have first pick of teammates."

"Uh...Rachel, I was actually planning to have the names picked out of a hat."

"Oh, but I believe that we, because we are of course the ones that know most about our own voices, have every right to choose voices we believe would complement ours."

Mr. Schue hesitates for a moment, before nodding slightly as a idealistic smile spreads over his face. "Great idea, Rachel! Guys, you're all going to choose your group members." He announces, and, again, Rachel wonders what exactly he is on today.

"Rachel? You can choose first."

She beams. "Excellent. I choose Finn," she smiles sweetly at him, causing about half of the people in the room to roll their eyes, "And Kurt." At that, she gets some puzzled looks.

By the time everybody chooses their partners, rehearsal is already done, but Rachel stops Finn and Kurt on their way out the door anyway. "Well, I think we should meet somewhere, don't you? Maybe we can meet at my house today to create a schedule and choose a song?"

Kurt fixes a steely stare on her. "I don't have time for that, Rachel." He pushes back some of his lustreless hair from his face. "I have other things to do."

"Well, I think this might be a priority," she informs him, glaring slightly.

"Well, unlike you, Diva, I'm preoccupied with things other than glee club. I have homework to do and an extra credit essay to write, so I'd appreciate it if you let me go on my way."

"Fine." She pouts slightly. "We can meet...maybe tomorrow?"

He gives her an empty glare. "Fine."

And is gone.

* * *

Kurt doesn't think there's much wrong with wanting to be beautiful.

He thinks that maybe if he's beautiful, people won't bother him as much, and maybe he wouldn't hate himself as much, and really maybe someday, if he's beautiful, somebody will love him. It would make his life better, he's decided.

He's been on a diet since he was ten and some bully called him chubby.

He hates throwing up--it's like burning acid going up his throat, but he does it anyway because all of a sudden he can't stop.

* * *

Rachel meets with Kurt and Finn on Friday, and has wasted no time trying to pick out a song and creating a detailed work schedule.

It's too bad Kurt really doesn't think singing a special rearranged version of "Think of Me" with her on lead vocals would be particularly interesting, and Finn finds "Those You've Known" far too sad.

They look through songs that Rachel and Finn suggest, even as Kurt zones out quietly.

"Oooh..." Finn suddenly brightens, something which he hasn't done since Rachel played him "Those You've Known", "How about _Hotel California?_ That's such a cool song."

Rachel is about to say that it's a little depressing, and really, the huge guitar solo is going to put a damper on their vocals, but then Kurt nods slightly, "That's a good song. My dad used to play it a lot."

"Alright. I'll think about it."

Eventually, after basically all of her suggestions are shot down, Rachel agrees reluctantly to _Hotel California_, which is an okay song even though she's never been a big fan of the Eagles.

They decide to split the vocals, and Rachel doesn't even complain, because she's self-aware enough to know that it kind of alienates people when she forcibly attempts to take songs from them.

* * *

He doesn't cry at all anymore.

He hasn't, he doesn't think, cried full-out (he doesn't count a tear here or there, after all) since he was maybe six years old, after his final big blowout of a sobfest when his mother died.

He doesn't cry because he doesn't like the way it makes people go out of control, the way they look when they shake like that, he doesn't like the way he feels when he just barely manages to not shed a tear.

Kurt Hummel loves control.

And so that's what he tries to make his life: a giant picture of control. He controls the housekeeping. He controls the booze levels in the house, limiting it to a bottle of wine and a small bottle of champagne (Hummel's have addictive personalities, it's an old family fact). He controls his grades, keeping them all at A's. He controls (or he tries to control, he tries so hard, he really does) his weight.

Control is a tenuous thing, because once he has it, he doesn't want to let it go, no matter how obviously chaos has begun to masquerade as it.

* * *

"Kurt," Rachel takes a deep breath and walks up next to him, where he is in the parking lot. She stands tall and looks at his cold eyes, trying not to be daunted. "Look, I really need to talk to you."

She considers it a step forward when he doesn't walk away.

"What do you want, Berry?"

"I just want to inform you that when you're ready to talk about what's going on, I'll be here."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do, we both know it."

"I'll never need to talk about any problems. They don't exist."

"What you're doing is incredibly dangerous. You have to realize the physical and mental repercussions of what you're doing to yourself."

"I don't need a lecture."

"Then what do you need?"

He bristles visibly, losing his calm facade of unawareness. "Why are you even talking to me? Why do you care?"

"Because I'm honestly invested in your mental health, not to mention physical health. You're one of my teammates, and...you truly have to begin to get this under control."

"I don't want to hear this anymore. You're just being selfish. Just because I'm not good enough, you've got the nerve...you're just trying to sabotage me!"

She doesn't know what he means, and he storms off before she can really make sense of the nearly incomprehensible, sharp words.

* * *

He doesn't go to their next practice, and their rendition of _Hotel California_ is shabby but has potential, that's what Mr. Schue says. He thinks that they might try it as a group and asks the original three who had the idea to sing it to take the solo.

Kurt shrugs and files his nails and pretends he's perfectly fine.

Rachel's plan has failed, and that makes her a little angry and a little worried.

* * *

The next time he throws up at school (which is stupid, because he knows that so many people think that there's something wrong with that) somebody walks in on him again.

Only this time, instead of Finn, it's Puck.

And Puck has no qualms about saying exactly what he thinks.

* * *

Puck is livid.

"Fuck, Hummel," he spits out. "What the hell are you doing?"

He hauls up the young man by the arm, feeling the soft padding of too many layers of clothes. He shakes him roughly, vision obscured by anger, and ends up shoving him against a wall at arm's length. "Fucking hell, man, you could die or something."

"It's nothing," Kurt's voice sounds thin and desperate and makes him feel ill. "I've been sick lately."

"Sick my ass! You don't make yourself fucking throw up when you're sick! Do you think I'm fuckin' stupid enough to believe that when your fingers are down your throat?!" He shakes him again, and Kurt's head connects lightly against the dingy white wall of the bathroom.

"Stop, Puckerman," the boy says softly, lifting up an arm to try to pry Puck's fingers away from him. "You don't know anything about what's happening."

Puck lets him go because he doesn't want to hurt the kid (the word Berry or Hummel would use for that would be 'counterproductive'), but he blocks the bathroom door, glaring.

Kurt slumps against the wall, smiling a little cruelly. "You don't care." The smile disappears. "Don't say a word, or I'll tell Finn you held me in here against my will."

"Go to hell."

"I knew you'd agree."

And he walks away.


End file.
